Queen of Oreos

Merry Christmas!

From the Angel and the Devil.

Look at these faces. Think of all the trouble I'm in once they hit the teen years. Send booze. I'll be hiding my car keys and ATM card and investing in cases of condoms.

Ice Ice Baby (too cold)

Mother Nature has been smoking weeds again................. It has rained for 8 thousand days. Seriously. And Saturday it was almost 70*. Some of my plants have started sprouting again. My snapdragons actually have buds on them as do my roses. Then last night, the temps dropped down below 20*. And all that water saturating the ground.........froze.

My yard looks like a field of magic diamonds.

Or it did until the X-man crushed them all........

Some of these were 3-4 inches high.

My Christmas Bitch List

'Cause a Wish List is sooooo passe.......

TO MY HUSBAND'S COMPANY: While I am ever so thankful that he still has a job when so many don't, and he is really in no danger of losing said job anytime soon......... The end of the year bonuses? COULD YOU FRICKIN SEND THEM ALREADY. Seriously. Some of us used a huge chunk of our Christmas Savings paying $4 a gallon for gas and NEED that money to buy presents for our kids. SHOW ME THE MONEY!

To the Family That used to Hang Out With Us but Now Runs the Other Way When They See Us Coming: You know, I understand having a change of heart towards people. Sometimes you can't really name why, and other times you can....... but I think you owe it to years of friendship or suedo friendship to at least give me an explanation. We're not in Jr Hi- we are adults. I won't cry, I promise. And whatever beef you may have with me, its absolutely unfair for your children to treat my children as if they don't exist. I am a cynical bitch and have been around long enough to let it roll off my back, but my daughter is not. And when other people, who really have no alliances to either of us, notice and make comments on the *snubbing*, you know it must be blatant and purposeful.

To the Dance Mom Who Volunteered to be in Charge of the Parade Floats but Backed Out a Week Before the First Parade: Really? Seriously. You couldn't decide *it was too hard* a month ago? You had to wait until the last minute to give up and then you didn't even have the balls to show up in person to let someone know what still needed to be done. WHICH WAS EVERYTHING! My kid has been in 2 parades in 8 years and I spent 5 hours this week painting, cutting out and gluing letters on wooden signs and checking lights and making sure the float was pretty for YOUR KID to ride on. GET OVER YOURSELF.

TO MY DRYER: I know you are almost 10 years old. You've had a good run. You deserve to conk out and retire. But JUST DIE ALREADY! I have cleaned out all the pipes and lint and whatever else and YOU ARE STILL CUTTING OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRY CYCLE. On the off chance that you are overheating, I have to stay vigilant when you are working in case you feel the need to catch fire. And I have to give you the requisite hour to cool down before I start you up again so that the half dry clothes in you don't turn sour. Its not like I made you work too much- 2 days a week really, granted you did work hard those 2 days, but 2 days work and 5 days off? Sounds good to me.

TO MY SON"S HAMSTER: Oh my freaking heck- STOP CHEWING ON THE CAGE ALL NIGHT LONG! It's like nails on a chalk board for 9 straight hours. YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE! I am checking your chewed areas daily and replacing the pieces as they become weak. Thanks for living past your 1st month unlike many of your predecessors, though.

TO MY DAUGHTER: If you do not start your menstrual cycle soon, I will MAKE you bleed. I mean it. Your little temper tantrum this week complete with foot stomping and screaming "NO" at me. Was actually quite funny. As was evident when I burst out laughing in your face. I am the Queen Bitch around here. You haven't even begun your training........

TO AMAZON.COM: I am a loyal customer. Way too loyal sometimes. I enjoy the convenience of shopping in my PJs and having it hand delivered to my door in less than a week. So today, when I went to purchase a few of the things on my kids Wish List before they got gone, you show *in stock* with an expected ship date of JANUARY 6. January 6? Seriously. You do realize that is 11+ days AFTER Christmas, right? TOO LATE TO BE UNDER THE TREE. And it just had to be the only things they were specific about wanting. I AM NOT PAYING $50 TO HAVE 2 VIDEO GAMES AND A BOOK AND A BOARD GAME SEND OVERNIGHT DELIVERY.

TO MY MOTHER IN LAW'S PACEMAKER: Thanks for reminding her heart to beat these last 7 years, but did you have to choose December to decide you needed a new battery? Because she was coming here for Christmas, in fact for a good chunk of December, and now she can't. Do you know how upset my kids are? And it couldn't be a simple task, no it has to be a major surgery which will render her unable to travel until after the new year. WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS!

TO MY DOG: You are an awesome puppers but STOP EATING EVERY FRICKIN THING. The termite stakes ARE POISON! Soda cans will cut you. Pool noodles are 3 times as long as you are and are not giant Cheez Doodles. Also- STOP HUMPING THE POOR CAT.

TO MY FACE: YOU ARE 35. STOP IT WITH THE F-ING ZITS. And not just any zits, but the ginormous cyst-like mountains that ache and itch and throb. And if I squeeze you- you damn well better pop instead of swelling to the size of a grapefruit and obstructing my vision. Also- how in the frickin heck can you be OILY AND DRY AT THE SAME TIME?

TO MY SON'S ALL STAR SOCCER COACH: I get it. You're awesome. Hurray. And I concur that you are a good coach- the kids that have played under you have mad skills. But not every kid is privileged enough to play on your normal team. Some kids have been playing on teams where the coach doesn't teach the kids pro level skills or doesn't really teach them much of anything. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE POTENTIAL. With a little training,they might surprise you. And if I hear you tell that group of fifteen 7 and 8 year olds "Next season we're gonna been a lot more selective with this." or "I can't believe you don't know this!" or "Just because you are on the team now doesn't mean you will be in the Spring. We will be more selective and talk to the coaches about who needs to be nominated."- if I hear you say any of those things again, I will run across that soccer field and tackle you and then rip off one of your beloved turf shoes and smack you up side the face.

TO MY HUSBAND: I meant what I said. I think I have made myself clear. GROW THE FRICK UP. Appreciate what you have before it leaves and takes your man TV with it.

TO MY TIVO THINGA MAJIG: STOP F*CKING WITH ME! The time is set correctly on you. There is no reason for you to randomly cut off the last 5-10 minutes of my shows. It is imperative that I see those precious last minutes of CSI, Bones, Grey's Anatomy, and anything else I have taken the time to program into you. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE LADY ON HOUSE WAS DYING OF! YOU CUT OFF JUST AS THE DR. HAD HIS "AHA" MOMENT!

TO MYSELF: Stop whining so damn much. You're a grown woman for cheeses sake. Have a beer and get over yourself. It's Christmas! ACT LIKE IT!

Wasabi, Vietnamese Ninja

Wasabi say "He who smelt it, dealt it"

Lucky numbers: 12 6 7 11 54

Flawed Logic

The T-Ham made an appointment to get neutered today. He and I were joking about it and after he took X to get a hair cut, Priss asked what Dad was talking about. I told her he was getting his tubes cut so we wouldn't have any more babies.

She looked at me quizzically.

And said, "Why does he have to get that done? You and he don't *do it*. I mean, if you don't want babies, you just don't *do it*."

(crickets chirping)

(crickets chirping)

Me, "Um well......" (trying to figure out how or if, to explain to my almost 11 year old the *recreational* aspect of s-e-x) "You do know you don't only have s-e-x when you want to have a baby, right?"

"UH YEAH!" rolls eyes and goes back to watching cartoons.

I think I need a beer..........

Shrooms

We are using a new Science curriculum that involves using a jewelers loupe to observe things (anything at all). X is currently fascinated with food molds. Mainly the ones he finds in the back of the refrigerator. Priss leans more towards flowers. I caught a praying mantis today to study.

It has made us stop and look at everything. To turn it over and look again. To really appreciate all manner of things and their purpose.

It is AMAZING how different things look under 5X or 10X magnification. AMAZING!

This is the underside of the only mushroom left in the yard after X went on a *stomping frenzy*.

This cracks me up.....

Sometimes I will be driving the Devil's Spawn somewhere or doing mundane housewife stuff and dissolve in a fit of giggles over this cartoon.

Seriously?

The kids are taking a PE class at the YMCA in the town T-Ham works. They are loving it and we get to go harass him when class is over. I have a few like minded friends whose children attend the class too, but the majority are very uber conservative moms who homeschool because the Lord told them to.

Nobody told me to homeschool. I thought of it on my own.

Anyway........most of these moms are also customers of the T-Ham. I have gone out of my way to be nice to them and keep conversations on neutral ground and away from things such as church and politics and sex toys and how many beers one can consume in an hour before passing out. I even refrained from bitch slapping one of their kids last week when he stole my son's soccer ball and walloped him in the head with it, and then did it again while my son was stared at him in disbelief. I have been trying to be a good little corporate wife. Even if it kills me.

So today, as usual, I ducked into the Ladies room first thing (it *is* a 30 minute drive) and sent the kids on into the gym. No sooner had I sat down, when one of the moms comes in, intent on having a conversation with me while I tinkled. (Its a good thing my explosive stomach was not acting up!)

When we met at the sinks, she looked at me sideways, giggled and said, "I told T-Ham I knew you and what a sweetheart you were and asked him how he ever got such a good one as you........... And he said 'I got her drunk first'".

I just looked at her.

She giggled again and said "He's so funny! He sure does think fast on his feet."

Me- still staring.

I then touched her gently on the shoulder, leaned closer and whispered, "It's true, you know."

And walked out.